As seen on America The Not So Beautiful
By Mike Caccioppoli
This is a very exciting day at America The Not So Beautiful as Mitt Romney has chosen this blog to formally announce that he will be running for President in 2016. He told me that he hopes the third time is the charm and that he has learned from his past errors. He wants to explain why he is running and point out what he could do better than President Obama if he is elected President of the United States. But I really don’t want to take up any more of his time so ladies and gentlemen here is Governor Mitt Romney!
Thank You Mike. I’m so glad that you allowed me this wonderful venue to announce my candidacy for President of these United States in the year 2016. I agree that America isn’t very beautiful under the leadership of Barack Obama. Now everyone already knows my faults. It’s already been spoken about ad nauseum in past election cycles. The fact that I was fully behind the Vietnam war, even marched in favor of it, but of course I did not serve my county. Instead I went to France, a wonderful country and expressed my love for my beautiful wife Ann. Everyone has seen those photos of myself on the beach in the south of France, where they have this wonderful little film festival called “The Cannes Film Festival”. I wrote in the sand “I Love Ann” with a big heart around it and paid someone 10 grand to photograph it from above. Yes, you have all seen that photo that was taken while our brave soldiers were dying for a great cause in Vietnam.
But we have already debated that photograph and I ask Americans to simply move on please. Just place that in your binders of thoughts and memories and please move on. I realize now that I should have been more discreet and just taken a photo of my young, taut body in a bubble bath. I mean I could have written Ann’s initials in the bubbly soap to show my love and undying affection for her. Yes, that would have sufficed, I understand now.
I know I took a very big hit with those comments at the social club. Where in front of millionaires I said that 47 percent thing. I said that 47 percent of Americans just want hand outs from the government and that Barack Obama would give them that. I have been thinking very much about that comment and I now realize I was wrong. It’s really only 45 percent. How insensitive of me to say that 47 percent are takers when it is really only 45 percent. I have learned from that mistake, and have met the two percent that convinced me they are workers not takers. So yes the number is most definitely 45 percent. I’m sorry that I offended two percent of America that didn’t deserve it. Truly sorry.
People feel, I’m sorry…..felt, that I was out of touch with most ordinary people. One reason I believe is that I only paid 13 percent tax while the middle class often pays 25-35 percent. Even though I believe that I’m still giving away much more money since I’m a multi-millionaire, I understand that it doesn’t look good. Especially since I only pay those taxes when I’m running for President. Otherwise I really don’t pay anything. Anyway I have decided that this is insensitive to the middle class and so I paid 14 percent this year. Believe me that extra one percent adds up to quite a bit of cash since I’m a multi-millionaire. I hope this proves that I’m a friend of the middle class and with that extra money leaving my accounts I do understand the hardships you feel on a daily basis. I really do. This should put aside any more questions or negative ads in regards to my taxes.
Now that I have put all of this silly business behind me I’d like to show you why I could do better than the current Democratic administration if you would so kindly elect me President. I had said in my previous campaign that the economy would be destroyed if Barack Obama was elected for another four years. Since that time gas prices have plummeted while the stock market has soared. Unemployment continues to decline month by month. While jobs are being created every month in the 150-200K range. This is all pretty much the opposite of what I said would happen throughout the campaign and debates. You have all done an admirable job of trying to prove me wrong and I believe I pushed you in that direction through my brilliant psychology that I learned in the best schools since the age of five. I vocalize negative comments and this motives you, it motivates you to do better, the wonderful American people. So, just imagine what we could do together if I were actually President! The possibilities are endless.
My words might have been wrong but my heart was in the right place. Speaking of heart I just need to remind everyone that I do love Ann. I just love Ann.
Some people think I’m running again because I have so much money that I don’t know what to do with it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m running for many honorable reasons but the most honorable is to protect this country from terrorists and to retain our freedoms. Barack Obama didn’t have the money to solely distribute “The Interview” but I do. This would show the terrorists that we are strong and not weak. And unlike the President I have indeed ridden horses bare chested like Vladimir Putin. This shows manliness and strength and power. I have ridden Ann’s ponies bare chested, I love Ann, I do love Ann.
I believe I have made my points. I’m a true protector of the middle class. I now believe in simple bubble bath selfies over wasteful high angle helicopter shots. I think only 45 percent of this great country are takers. I now pay my 14 percent of taxes when I run for President. Yes the economy is incredibly strong but I can make it stronger with my ability to personally distribute any film that is censored or banned because of terrorism. This is the new Mitt Romney. Please vote for me in 2016 to be the next President of the United States.
Oh and before I go……Benghazi!
@CaccioppoliMike
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