OK, I’ll play along.
According to the polls, the guesses, the conventional wisdom, the money and the low-down, scandal-mongering, hyper-partisan, yellow-dog press, we now know who’s going to win that all-important August 2015 presidential election. I’m sure you know that this election is a rather unusual one in American politics because it doesn’t take place in every state and candidates can say the most outrageous things and still be considered Oval Office material.
We all know that Donald Trump is going to be our next president because he’ll defeat Bernie Sanders, Ben Carson, Hillary Clinton and Jeb! Bush all at one time because he can speak the loudest and say the meanest things out of all of them. Then again, Hillary is beating Donald in the latest national polls and the money race, so she’ll likely be our next Chief Executive. Except that she’s got an e-mail scandal hanging over her and Benghazi! nipping at her heels like a small yippee dog. No worries, though: when you have a FOX contributor on your side, especially one that advised your husband, you’re going to be fine.
Jeb! is having trouble keeping up his fundraising pace and three money people have just left his campaign so he might as well fold up the tent and go live with his brother down in Texas. Chris Christie is teetering on the edge of being excluded from the varsity debate in September, but he’s 7th in money-raising which means that there are a few very wealthy people who really have nothing to do with their millions than put it on a guy who has nothing to run on. Perhaps his immigration policy, now known as “When Your Fruit Picker Absolutely, Positively Has to Leave Overnight” might gain him some valuable Tea Party votes.
Scott Walker is going to win this election because apparently he can say that he’s going to defeat ISIS and can harangue Democrats all in the same speech. Not bad for a guy who dropped out of college when he could see the light of graduation in front of him or who said that his foreign policy chops were on display when he faced down some protesters on the statehouse steps in Madison. Makes you think he’ll get nominated, then withdraw from the race in October because, well, Wisconsin needs him more.
This, of course, is all silly conjecture because the real winner of the August election is John Kasich, the moderate Governor of Ohio who manages to say pretty much what every other Republican candidate says but he says it with a nice Ohio accent so he doesn’t sound too threatening.
But wait! Who’s that gaining major ground on the other wealthier candidates? Why, it’s Carly Fiorina! The wonder executive who managed to almost destroy one of Silicon Valley’s most venerable companies. She’s, well, she’s polling in some high single digits and clearly has momentum as we enter the all-important August 31 period of the race. In fact, she’s hoping to make the adult table debate next month but CNN is playing funny with the numbers so we might have to listen to Chris Christie pick a fight with someone again. Maybe he could yell at Ben Carson just to remind people that Ben’s still in the race. Carson is currently in second place in the Iowa polls, so clearly he’s running away with the election and will be the nation’s second African-American president. I do so like consistency.
Sun glasses on campers because who’s just entered the room and will be moving his stuff the shortest distance out of everyone? It’s Vice-President Joe Biden–the savior of the Democrats. The anti-Hillary. The politician-superhero whose special power is to actually work with members of both parties to get something done. Too old? Balderdash; only Republicans can be too old to be president. Joe will win and take his oath of office at Rehoboth Beach on Monday afternoon when there’s no traffic.
Of course, I’m only kidding about those people winning the presidency. The real victor will be Marco Rubio. The young guy. The guy who supports an actual immigration bill. The one who wants to re-isolate Cuba because recognizing the Castros really upsets his dad. The one who would be really tough on China. Until the Chinese market exploded. They’re not so tough after all, right Marco?
Is anybody else running for president? Of course, and they’re all going to win, except for Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, Rand Paul, Martin O’Neill and George Pataki, who still insists that he is a candidate.
I’m so glad I was able to clear everything up for you because this has been a close election and gee I’m pleased that it’s all going to be over by the middle of the week.