This Masturbating Republican Is Running For Office Because of “Family Values”

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His last known offense happened just 3 years ago in 2011, but this career masturbator and Republican wants you to believe that he is a changed man and he wants your vote.

According to multiple police reports from two different states, Jordan D. Haskins, Republican running for the State House in Michigan’s 95th District, began his strange fetish at the age of 15. He is now 24.

Haskins’ fetish involves breaking into parked cars, removing the spark plug cables and masturbating in the vehicles while the engine is running. The sparks from the plugs and the noise of the engine brought the Republican to his climax.

The fetish is known as “cranking,” and Haskins told The Saginaw News he learned of it online and did it because, “I was bored. It was the rush,” he said.

According to North Carolina police reports, Haskins was caught with his package in his hand satisfying his fetish in 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009. He has multiple arrests and probation for his troubles.

But it didn’t stop in 2009. Haskins continued his extracurricular activities when he moved to Michigan. Police reports show the Republican choking his monkey in other people’s vehicles in 2010 and 2011.

He even did it in a parked police vehicle!

But Haskins want you to believe that he is a changed man. He credits his many stints in jail as his turning point.

“It finally woke me up to some things,” Haskins said.

“That isn’t even me anymore. I’m not sure what really changed or what happened. I don’t know what it is about when you get into your 20s. Your chemistry changes. You get wiser and smarter a little bit. That’s what happened to me.”

Haskins is the only Republican running on the ticket. His democratic challenger will be decided in a primary election in August.

Haskins is presently on probation, but probation does not stop the Republican from running. Family values and all.

“I want to be the Republican, the conservative candidate that says, you know, conservatism is for you. Because conservatism, real conservatism, true red-blooded American conservatism is about grit, hard work, loyalty and traditional values. Your family values. The three values that make up my stool of conservatism are faith, family and freedom. And I believe that many of the citizens of Saginaw share those same values.”

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I'm just tired of the lies and nonsense coming from the GOP, so this is my little contribution to combat the nonsense!

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