It’s a good thing they’re not racist!
Tank ya Massa Mark Williams.
I iz a colored person, and I tank teapartier or should I say, teabagger – Massa Mark Williams for looking out for me and all my other colored folks down here on the ole plantation. Ya see, Masaa Williams done gone and him wrote him here this letter to Massa Abe.
Massa Williams known us ole coloreds. Massa Williams known how we feel, and him iz only try-na help. Massa Williams known us coloreds can’t tink for o’ selves and workin iz someting us folks just don’t want to do.
Us coloreds needz good Massas like Massa Williams. Him done took good care of us, with tis here plantation an all. All us coloreds need to do is bow ours headz and pick Massa cotton and hope Massa Williams keep tinking for uz. Gawd knows we needz it!
So for all the other coloreds down here on the ole plantation, we tank you Massa Williams for riting this here letter. Tank ya sir, Tank ya sir, Tank ya!
Massa Williams Letter
Dear Mr. Lincoln
We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!
In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.
The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly.Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.
And the ridiculous idea of “reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!
The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target coloreds. That means we Coloreds would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.
Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we coloreds ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?
Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.
Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew NAACP Head Colored Person
- Tea Party Leader Mark Williams Mocks NAACP “Coloreds” In Online Screed (videocafe.crooksandliars.com)
- How to get on CNN: Be a racist Tea Partier (salon.com)
- How to not dispel the sense that you’re a bunch of insane racists (dailykos.com)